Wishy-Washy Sunday

Give clean hands and a pure heart.
But I'm not prepared to start.
I want to fall in love with You;
Don't ask me if my love is true.
I want to make You my one thing.
Don't make it so; I'll kick and scream.
Sanctify - my mind is set;
Then again, Lord, not quite yet.
I want to be undivided,
Only need what You've provided.
You alone have my devotion,
Cause my heart to increase motion.
You will be my one true love,
Rapture heart to courts above.
Focus, this is what I will.
I'm not even close to there, but still,
I ask You for a freshened start.
Gradually draw my wand'ring heart.

"The pen is mightier than the sword.”
If so, then I am its ward.
It shields my mind from the foe;
My heart controls the ink’s flow.

Wake Up Call

I wake up:
God, don’t let it be today.
What a wakeup:
I’ve got no clue what to say.
Can we make up?
I don’t want this pain to stay.
Please, let’s make up,
And don’t let it end this way

There I am on the altar -
My life, pride and will.
All my hopes and my dreams
For the future lie still.

You've taken my feelings,
Stole all my best thoughts,
The things I've been dreaming,
And brought them to naught.

My hope for tomorrow
I've finally abandoned;
Your guidance today
My soul's only companion.

My likings and leanings,
Distractions, romances,
You've trampled upon,
Waking me from my trances.

My goals and ambitions,
Once clearly defined,
You've turned all around,
My course re-aligned.

But where am I going,
This new path I'm on?
The leavings are worth
Zion's joyous life-song!

If the course I'm on now
Is the highway to Heaven,
Whence led the other -
Doesn't one counter seven?

If the fields Elysian
Are gained by distresses,
Then bring them on faster:
It's suffering that blesses.

If less for today
Means twice more for tomorrow,
The deposit the joy -
I'm investing with sorrow!

If to cut life off now
Secures living eternal,
Well, I'll wither in fall,
And await seasons vernal.

God, Your love is enough,
And Your promise is sure,
So I trust in Your plan;
Please keep my heart pure.

There is honey enough
In Your rich promised land;
I'll accept only blessings
Which come from Your hand.

The Point of Submission

What is the point?
I ask, I move on,
The question suppressed.
I keep pushing along
In a world with no God
And no “why” to my being…
No hope, it’s ridiculous-
Not worth even seeing.
But still there’s this question;
It tears at my mind:
Is my purpose for living
Just standing behind?
“To God all the glory”
Causes my ego unrest.
I don’t want to follow;
I want to be best.
I stick out my chin
Like Lucifer bold.
“It’d kill me to submit-
To stay in my mold.”
The height, yes, is there,
Yet not to be grasped.
I still need an Advocate
On my behalf.
God, make me content
To sit at Your feet.
I’ll yield myself,
Your heart only to meet.

The Consummation of Life

How can you be still in the face of it?
Yet calm when it comes all must be.
Stiff as a board on a cold pallet,
Confirmed in the form all will see.

It comes if you will or if not,
The trick is in being prepared.
Stand firm and welcome the despot,
Or let him catch you, running and scared.

And stiff, holding onto your life,
Trying to keep it still,
Use your breath quicker through strife,
Frustrating your very own will.

Rather, I'll welcome you when you come,
Gladly surrender my breath.
Gather you fully into my bosom,
And finish the deal with death.

He who loses his life will find it.

The Amputee

The client of death,
A spiritual Spartan,
Now wholly devoted to warfare

Of socialist soul,
I’ve no claims to my name;
I’m released from illusions of my share.

Like superfluous trappings
My dreams are cut off;
I’m free to race on with abandon.

My focus is set:
I’ve no hope but God,
The only safe net left to land in.

The choice is earth-shaking:
To follow Christ’s teaching,
To forsake my earthly desires;

Or laugh it away,
Live for the Now,
And hope they’re a myth, those hell-fires.

I don’t want to disparage
God mandate for marriage,
But let’s get our priorities straight.

For to focus on good things,
And thus lose God’s best will,
To miss knowing Him I would hate.

And so I’ll go on
In His blessed direction;
Let God clip what branches He will.

And I’ll make this my object,
The hope of forever,
And focus on God only still.

Surrender

Such Defeat
I never thought I would meet
So much despair
It’s everywhere
I breathe it in the air
All around me
Do you see?
Do you know?
Did You go?
Plank of wood
There I should
But You did
You paid the bid
Having known me
Now You own me

(Self) Disgust
I repulse and turn away
From the ugliness in me
As another’s scar reminds
Of my own flaws I don’t see.
This revulsion that I sense
At another man not whole
Is akin to my disgust
At my own sin-blemished soul.
The connection I can’t feel
With the lame, the mute, the blind
Comes from darkness, closed-off doors,
Inability of my mind.

Seek the Wise
Divide and conquer the various ages
Separate youngsters from the sages
Learn the lesson; you already know it.
Ignore the teacher, despise the poet.
Share the concepts with your peers:
The same delights, hope, joys, and fears.
Of course they know what you go through;
They’re in the same messed tangles too.
Why seek a well to find a drink
When dry ditches say what you already think.
Mentors’ teachings will stretch your mind;
Peers together laze, lag behind.
Wise man, forsake your stupid friends,
Your selfish tastes, these passing trends.
And seek the wise to guide your brain;
Depths of knowledge consume and drain.
We need high friends to help us climb,
So seek the wise: don’t waste your time.

Ready?
Hold on!
It's almost here!
But then it passes,
Left with fear.
It's gone.
Steady!
Still hope
It's not over.
But it has changed:
Future; hope.

A call to change,
But not to burn.
It's not the end,
But I'll have to learn.
A new direction?
It's hard to rest,
But when I cannot see straight,
I hope for God's best.

Push me over!
Let it end!
I’ll release my soul
Like a wisp of the wind.
But you hold me here,
Push me upward still;
Like a marionette
I succumb to you will.
Do I want to continue?
You know I’d rather not.
My heart is now so cold,
But you use it like ‘twas hot.
You change my state like Pyrex,
But my untempered heart has shattered.
Regardless of how I would feel,
Your will was all that mattered.
My choice, to do what’s right-
What’s right is what you want-
For if I’d chosen differently,
My happy days you’d haunt.
I’ve fought for independence;
So far it’s not been blest,
So I surrender hopes to You, Lord;
I won’t seek my own head’s rest.
I won’t seek what makes me happy,
But now only what You ask.
No indulgences, companions:
Henceforth my only joy Your task.

I walk through the desert,
I walk down the road;
You stay in a house,
Trapped by your load.
I'm freed for my travel
By lack of possession;
Your great store of stuff
Only causes depression.
You lay down each night,
In comfort at home,
While I, watching stars,
At liberty roam.
You've built four trap walls,
Your source of frustration;
I carry on steady
Toward my destination.

Hollow Showcase

Your words are all so high, but
Convoluted, and you kill the
Last chance to find a sane rut,
On the narrow and straight be
Found, without attention on
You, the point of your acting
Out, hurting minds of the young,
Spotlight on you through your scheming.

Heraclitus' Gospel

Go down, down to the river,
And pray that you will be forgiven.
They say that this water can wash you clean.
But, do they say what they really mean?

And it’s been forever,
And you’re thinking He’ll leave you.
But He says He’ll never.
And can’t you see?
That the water’s already moved on.

Growing (through) Pains

O God! Why all the pain? Why the miscarriages? Why the divorce? Why the death? Why the broken hearts? Why the unappreciated love? Why the foolishness of youth, and the inability of the wise? Why the helplessness? Why the inability to communicate, to help each other?

“Why,” said the clay, “do you cause me to spin?”
“Please, humble potter, don’t touch me again!”
“Why do you insist on me stretching so thin?”
And why do You let me continue to sin?

From being stretched thin, you can hold things much larger;
By forging you hot God’s tools become much harder.
By training through tears I can become a starter.
How many are saved through the screams of a martyr?

In the fire I will find You.

Frostbitten

O! Wint’ring of my soul!
O! Freezing of my bones!
My blood is icing over;
My heart is like a stone.
Though solid water floats,
Made lighter by the cold,
This pulmonary blizzard sinks;
I’m flattened down, laid low.

Feels Numb

Oh! That I could forget,
But that would be a sin.
Six months of joyful happiness,
A split of paths and then…
Would I have used the still-same plans
Had I known we’d meet an end?

Or if I could remember more,
And sate myself with pain.
The memories would stay and prick-
My hopes gone down the drain.
Nay, rather tarry, tortured long,
Till I cannot think my name.

Between these two extremes I’m torn,
And so I lift my plea:
Forget, or hurt, but why can’t I
Restore our former glee?
O God who formed my heart, please let
A better end it see.

Eternity:
No beginning!
No end!
Eternity:
I am!
I live!
Eternity:
No death!
No passing!
Eternity:
No time!
What's lasting?
Eternity:
All light!
No dark!
Eternity:
So clear!
So stark!

Dead
I know that’s what I am
Dead
And God, I know I’m going out on a limb
Dead
And I know that’s what you told me
Dead
But I’m asking this, though maybe too boldly
Dead
‘Cause I still feel some blood flowing under my skin
Dead
Well, sometimes it stops for awhile, but then…
Dead
Though I’m wanting to give up this life I’ve been given
Dead
And I desperately want out of this body I live in
Dead
Then it sees something new, and it hauls back my soul
Dead
Silently screaming, it swallows me whole
Dead
Thus I go on, just filling a need
Dead
But when I hear you call home, I’ll gratefully heed
Dead
Sweet
Dead

Catching a Breath of Hot Air

You shout your catchy songs,
Clap to the pounding drums,
Jump up and down in blessed throngs,
Video the talented ones.

Chip in a dollar or few
To keep us entertained.
Baptize a body or two,
But never be they trained.

Everybody find Your place –
Lots of lights to grab your eye.
Forceful message in your face,
Close your Bible with a sigh.

Be Enough

When even light seems dark,
When my greatest hope turns stark,
Though this path is without mark,
I trust Your Word.

When Your voice I cannot hear,
Fearing loss of all that’s dear,
Not even a simple foghorn to help me steer,
I rest assured.

Now Your promise seems to be long past,
And my heart meets Doubt’s cold, icy blast;
In the storm, no light, sound or mast.
Even Myself, my mind obscured.

Your angels gone,
I’ve lost life’s stuff.
I’m left with You;
Please be enough.

My pen is the tongue of a ready writer;
It’s flow I cannot deny.
Words of a charcoal-souled fighter,
The pain my heart will supply.
My shield, pure determination:
My face is set like a flint.
I’ll brave the onslaught of future,
Though not where, I know I’ve been sent.

Am I Missing Her or the Point?

How do You complete me, God?
Lord, my heart cries out –
This need within my soul –
In brokenness I ask,
Please make it whole!
I need a heart-friend
To be my perfect mate,
Companionship,
My hungering for to sate.
I asked for a man
To be my very closest friend.
You answered me not;
Relief you did not send.
I’ve had broken love;
I thought I’d be met there.
The timing was wrong.
Never again, I did swear.
I’ve turned back to You,
You have my whole heart now.
I prostrate my soul;
At Your feet I bend, bow.
Yet something in me
Tells I am not complete.
I’m getting restless,
But still stay at Your feet.
Is desire from You?
Do You want me to pursue?
So confused at times –
I haven’t got a clue.
So I’ll wait for you
To give me clear direction.
I’ll trust in Your time,
And not my own perception.
Please give me Your grace
To act on what I know.
I’ll see rewards then,
If Your will right now I sow.
Help me, Lord, to know,
Discerning if(when?) You tell me move.
Help me be patient,
Till its time not awaken love.

Alaska

When wandering forth from
Our sea, we, the fish,
Feel all the weight of
Our presence and shift
Our homes to the north,
Where there still is some space.
We shut all our windows
And hope for some grace.
The summer is grand,
But you know it won't last -
Winter is coming,
It's closing in fast!
Make your acquaintance
With wind and with rain.
Pray that the spring
Will find you still sane.
But when doubting the value
Of your sacrifice -
The freeze is so cold,
And your head's in a vice -
Just look at your view
Of the mountains with mirth,
And remember your choice,
And what it is worth.

A God Foreign to Me

Deliver songs with high precision.
Hone your voice, prophetic vision.
Melody, harmony, fall, rise.
Hand lifted, bleary eyes.
Rehearse your lines, but be sincere,
Por menos, make it so appear.
Build and swell, control emotion.
To country, God, church, yield devotion.
Worship your dramatic Broadway God:
Whirlwind, firestorm, shattered sod.
Still.
Small.
Pure.
Clear.
Finding God in desert places,
Finding in each other's faces.
When knowing God in silence, sound,
If we know His truth, our hope is found.

A Chance Meeting (of Friends?)

I see you again.
My words run thin:
I don’t quite know what to say.
My blood becomes still
Against my will.
My colors turn rapidly gray.
Expecting the worst,
I fear I’m cursed,
Afraid to look at your face.
I know you won’t hate,
Yet still I wait.
(I feel so alone in this place.)
But I make the choice
For right or wrong.
So here, I’ll say something nice.
I drop the mask down;
I leave the frown.
I won’t hold onto my rights.
So bridge the gap,
Your shoulder tap;
Let’s start our friendship anew.
Though not same in life,
As friends, through strife,
As sister in Christ I love you.

(un)Clear

Speak your mind, but do it right.
We need to shine a steady light
On the truth that sits before our eyes,
Waiting just to make us wise.

A Lament

O Lord my spirit is not lifted up,
And in the stillness of my heart there is naught but ache.
Distance from those I love has swallowed me up,
And in the midst of Your people my utter aloneness weighs down upon me.

The void that fills my moments knows no answer,
Every second my soul drowns afresh in the sea of rejection.
While my friends are afar off, my enemies close in,
And I have no power to bring my helpers near.

In the multitude of my failures I am ashamed,
And my detractors rush in to take opportunity.
I have no strength left with which to hold them off.
I am cast down and utterly condemned.

Why, O Lord, do you keep yourself far from me?
How long will you let me suffer in the throes of self?
And yet, in this stillness, I know that You are here.
You draw near to those who draw near to You.

You wait to lift up my head.
You fill every corner of my life, my very world.
Broken freely, you make completely whole.
You provide more than could be asked.

You are my only hope, my ever-present friend and defender.
Though the world rise up against me, yet I trust your deliverance.
Even if my closest friends should fall away, still You stand beside me.
Sustain me with a heart that thirsts for, and drinks, You.

At Peace

How now, my soul?
What troubles thee so?
Your love, torn so many directions!
Can’t focus it here,
Too much held dear,
Distracted by fragile perceptions.
The future still hides;
Though you search for it wide,
You’re haunted by failed predictions.
And you’ll still linger there,
Confused, unaware,
Till your will bows in humble contrition.
God, kill my desires!
They’re thrown on the pyre,
Waiting for You to come burn.
I’ll walk through the furnace-
This time I’m in earnest.
They’re Yours now, and not my concern.
Can I bring forth a smile
From truth, not denial?
Is there more than my pettiness left?
To be glad of His will,
Be content hale or ill,
Though not “happy,” this life God will bless.